You will never learn Slovene Archives

Original image altered to better reflect reality.

I’ve decided to devote some attention to the WMD that is the Slovenian language. Other bloggers, like cookie and Alcessa, have already written up Slovenian lessons on their sites. I want to try a different approach: To focus on the horrors that prevent almost every foreigner from mastering it.

I say “almost every” because apparently there was one lady who learned it once. I don’t know her name but people sometimes tell me about her. She’s like a Slovenian version of bigfoot: some mythical creature that arrived here and now speaks flawless, perfectly accented Slovene. But Slovenian sasquatches aside, most foreigners here are lousy with the language. They either speak a few rudimentary phrases despite years of living here (”One beer please”) or (like me) they butcher the language with incorrect grammar and then taint it even further with a local dialect. (The last time I was in Ljubljana, David laughed a lot at my Styrian-corroded Slovene.)

At any rate, here’s my first installment of why you will never learn Slovene.

#1) Singular and Plural

And no, this isn’t going to be what you think. Slovene is famously difficult for its “dual” case, but I don’t have any major problem with it. Basically, if there are two objects they take a different verb and the nouns conjugate differently. It’s a lot of work, but fine. Let’s do some counting and see where the problem is:

Tukaj je stol.
(Here’s a chair)

Tukaj sta dva stola.
(Here are two chairs — Note that we’ve added an “a” at the end of stol (chair) because there are two. The verb has also changed to sta a dual form of “are”. So far so good, yes?)

Tukaj so trije stoli
(Here are three chairs — Now we’re into plural. Note again that the chairs now have an “i” ending to reflect plural. The verb has also gone to plural: so is used for “are”)

But this is where things get interesting, because even if you don’t speak Slovene you should have a pretty decent chance of continuing. Especially if I reveal this to you:

Tukaj so štirje stoli
(Here are four chairs)

Now. If I told you that the word for five is pet, what would you guess is next? Maybe this?

Tukaj so petje stoli
(Here are five chairs)

That’s what I would guess. That’s what any sane person would guess. But of course that’s not the case, because for reasons that are beyond comprehension: while three and four are plural, five and above suddenly and inexplicably revert to singular! Correct is this:

Tukaj je pet stolov
(Here is five chairs — Note the new ending, too: it’s now -ov)

So, here’s a very simplified summary:

Oh, the horror. The horror.

But keep this in mind: This goes for masculine Slovene nouns only. And there are various cases as well. There are also feminine and neutral nouns, each with their own endings. And each of them boast their own endings for any preceding adjectives. Unlike in English, where “five” is always “five” — in Slovene nouns are always altered. Even proper names. A movie with Jack Nicholson is “z Jackom Nicholsonom.” Don’t even ask me what it would be if the movie starred five Jack Nicholsons. Because all I know is that I will never know.