Archives for July 13th, 2005

What’s missing in this picture?

Slovenia has plenty of mysteries, some of them unsolvable, but one mystery towers above the rest: Where’s the grape juice? I happen to love grape juice. As a kid, I used to drink Welch’s until my stomach ached and I longed for death. But in Slovenia it seems to be a rarity; in fact, I haven’t seen it anywhere. Two theories could explain this mystery:

#1 (The Arrogant Westerner Theory)
Slovenia doesn’t sell grape juice because they can’t afford grape juice. It’s too much of a luxury for a post-communist country whose people were, until recently, only allowed to drink the sweat of political prisoners, whose perspiration was harvested by the kiloliter on Goli otok and elsewhere.

Why it’s wrong: First of all, Slovenes living in socialist Yugoslavia were also allowed to drink raw sewage. And what’s more: As much as they wanted. Second of all — and this time I’m being serious — the Slovenian fruit juice company Fructal (which happens to make the best juices I’ve ever tried) boasts a staggering variety of liquid goodness. They make juices (nectars, syrups, etc..) in the following flavors: banana, blueberry, apple, peach-apple, apricot-apple, black currant, pear, sour cherry, strawberry, peach-banana, lemon, grapefruit, orange, multivitamin and raspberry.

However: no grape juice. Not by itself. Grapes do appear, but in the weirdest combination imaginable: apple-grape-chokeberry. That’s right, chokeberry. I’ve never even heard of chokeberries, but Fructal is all over them.

#2 (The Proud Drunken Slovene Theory)
Supermarkets don’t sell grape juice because all grapes are needed for wine production — hell, yeah! Why waste grapes on juice? Hell, yeah! We’ve got drinking to do! Hell, yeah! Everybody together now: Kol’kor kapljic, tol’ko let, Bog nam daj na svet živet, živiooooo, oj živioooooooo… (etc)

Why it’s wrong: If all grapes went into wine production, you wouldn’t find grapes being sold at every fruit stand and in every supermarket. In fact, grapes are all over the place. They’re sold everywhere and they grow everywhere. So why aren’t they being put into juice form?

Even more bafflingly: Why are things like black currant and sour cherry liquified and sold while grapes are ignored? Is there really so much demand for those flavors? Speaking personally, I’ve never once thought: "Man, I could really use a cup of sour cherry juice right about now." Obviously people like it though, or else Fructal wouldn’t sell it. And obviously there’s no demand for grape juice or they would, no?