Archives for November 16th, 2004

This will probably be one of the last things I ever see.

I really don’t want to die in a Slovenian roundabout. Like you and
everyone else, I want to die with dignity. Maybe asleep in bed. Or
listening to music on the sofa. Or surrounded by loved ones. Definitely
not bleeding to death in an automotive wreck in a Godforsaken
roundabout. With the last thing I ever hear being some teenager in a Metallica shirt standing over me saying, "Woah, that was totally awesome!!! Did that fireball hurt? Are you okay?"

Of course I don’t want that. But it looks like I don’t have a
choice. The municipality recently opened two new roundabouts here, and
both of them are on my way to work. In other words: They’re
unavoidable. Previously, I had to go through just one to get to the
office. Now it’s three. Ergo: I’m going to spend my final moments on
Earth with my intestines tangled in the transmission.

If you’ve never driven in a Slovenian roundabout, crni has already beautifully and eloquently summed up the experience:

The proper way of entering a Slovenian roundabout is ramming in at full
speed. Do not look to your left to check for oncoming cars, they will
see this as a sign of weakness and intimidation. The speed limit has to
be exceeded by at least 50%. Once in the roundabout, keep pressing the
gas pedal until the centrifugal force makes you get out at a random
exit. It is irrelevant which exit you take, since you will be lost on
the next crossroads anyway.

What’s
odd is that Slovenes are generally respectful of traffic laws, but when
they enter a roundabout something snaps; they shake off the bonds of
civilization and become hogs of the road.
To show you what I mean, here are three things that happen to me on a
regular basis, and will probably lead to my eventual death: (I’m
assuming you know the rules of a roundabout. In the graphic, I’m
assuming that two cars enter the roundabout at the same time.)

1) "The Cut-Off"
What makes this maneuver so nasty is that the offending driver has to be extremely fast or else it’s hammertime.

2) "Taking the Scenic Route"
By far the most
common maneuver, and the most annoying. I see this damn thing pretty
much every day. The beauty of it is that it manages to inconvenience
everybody simultaneously. People trying to enter and people trying to
exit are all blocked by some oblivious jerkface.

3) "Chaos Theory"
The deadliest of them all.
Some people just let go of the wheel in a roundabout and let nature
take its course. God protect me from them.

You’re probably wondering why I don’t find a new way to get to work
and thereby save my life. That’s a good question. My answer is that you
can’t cheat destiny. Even the ancient Greeks knew that. If you look
though the old legends, you’ll find plenty of characters who foresee
their own death, or foresee someone else’s death. And no matter what
they do or how they try to save themselves, fate always catches up with
them in the end. It is pointless to resist.