Archives for April 1st, 2004

Slovenia and Croatia circa 2004. Click to enlarge.

The ongoing border dispute between Slovenia and Croatia threatened to spin out of control this week after a classified document revealed that Croatia intends to lay claim to over 50% of its neighbor’s territory. Recent negotiations had been confined to a relatively small area around the bay of Piran.

According to the leaked plans, large areas of Slovenia have now been slated for Croatization. On the map, the northeastern city of Maribor is written as “Dinamaribor Zagreb” (in honor of the soccer team), Novo Mesto has been renamed “Novo Mesic” (to remember Croatia’s 2nd president), and Koper is referred to as “Plocer,” after the Croatian port of Ploce.

An anonymous Croatian official told The Glory of Carniola: “The Croatian government was getting tired of waiting for Slovenes to finish the highway from Graz to Zagreb, so we decided to intervene and do it ourselves. And then we thought, ‘Hell, if we’re already going to do this, why not take some of the other stuff too? Ljubljana has some pretty nice restaurants.’”

Croatia’s suggestion for the future border. Click to enlarge.

The Slovenian Foreign Ministry issued a “stern warning” to Croatia, saying that it was considering using NATO firepower in response, but NATO Secretary-General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer immediately ruled out any NATO involvement.

“NATO is a lover not a fighter,” de Hoop Scheffer told reporters in Brussels. “We will continue doing air patrols in Slovenia because they are fun and, quite frankly, the pilots enjoy them. But it is the official policy of NATO not to get involved in anything scary.”

He added that NATO’s budget for the newly expanded alliance had been exhausted and that 90% of its military funds had already gone towards preparing the formerly communist Eastern European countries for a possible attack by MechaGodzilla.

In New York, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan called on Croatia and “Slo-whatever” to have a frank and open dialogue.

“The international community is alarmed by this development,” Mr. Annan said, “and hopes that a peaceful solution can still be reached. A special team of UN negotiaters has already been dispatched to Bratislava to help the two sides defuse the situation.”

Disclaimer: Happy April Fools Day!