Natalija’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Natalija Verboten is the queen of Slovenian turbo-folk. Turbo-folk, if you don’t know it, is a kind of hyperactive folk music that started in Belgrade in the ’90s. It usually involves a beautiful, heavily-cleavaged woman singing kitschy love songs while clarinets and accordions play on maximum overdrive. The vocals are vibrato-dependent, so that a lyric like “Ja tebe hocu” (I want you) comes out: Ja-a-a-a tebe hoc-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u.

In Serbia, turbo-folk got a nasty kick in the teeth when Milosevic & Co. fell, but Slovenian turbo-folk is still going strong.

Natalija, as you can probably guess, has a lot of fans. But the subject of this post is her number-one fan: A guy who is ready to do anything for her, including go crazy. On the official Natalija Verboten page, there is a knjiga gostov (guest book) which is, as far as I can tell, only occasionally moderated. A lot of pretty vulgar stuff seems to make it past the webmaster.

A Verboten fan prepares to propose to Natalija in the guestbook.
Will she say yes?

There’s a popular Buddhist saying that a journey of a thousand steps begins with just one. And on Christmas Eve, 2002, one man’s thousand-step journey to win Natalija Verboten began:

Datum: Tue Dec 24 23:25:31 2002 NaÅ¡li ste nas: Redni obiskovalec(ka)! Napisali ste…
DEAR NATALIJA! I HOPE THAT YOU GOT MY E-MAILS, I WOULD LIKE TO SEND YOU MY WARMEST HUGS AND WISHES FOR A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS, I ALSO WANT TO WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW 2003 YEAR! I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU AT THE PERFORMANCE ON THE 29th OF DECEMBER, YOUR SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON NATALIJA LOTS OF LOVE FROM MARK.

Pretty nice, right? I think so too. Who doesn’t want to get a nice X-mas greeting? In fact, who wouldn’t want to get more than one? Because the next day, Mark promptly returns:

Datum: Wed Dec 25 22:54:37 2002 NaÅ¡li ste nas: Redni obiskovalec(ka)! Napisali ste…((((MERRY CHRISTMAS)))) HELLO THERE NATALIJA! I AM SENDING YOU A BIG HUG FOR CHRISTMAS WITH LOTS OF LOVE FOR YOU! I HOPE THAT YOU HAD A GREAT CHRISTMAS PARTY AND THAT YOUR NEW YEAR WILL BRING YOU SO MANY ADVENTURES TO ENJOY! BEST WISHES FROM MARK.

If you’re counting at home, that’s two hugs in two days. That’s not too bad. I’d be kind of tired of hugs at this point, but Mark is only warming up. The next day:

Datum: Thu Dec 26 15:00:45 2002 NaÅ¡li ste nas: Redni obiskovalec(ka)! Napisali ste…
DEAREST NATALIJA! SENDING YOU ALL MY LOVE WISHING THAT YOU HAVE A HAPPY NEW 2003 YEAR AND THAT THE CHRISTMAS WISHES YOU MAKE COME TRUE! LOTS OF LOVE MARK

Are you noticing a pattern yet? Most people write stuff like: Natalija je zakon! (Natalija rules!) in the guestbook and that’s the last you ever see of them. This guy is relentless, like the T-1000 except without liquid metal wrapped around an exoskeleton. He posts again and again, usually sending hugs and love and wishing Natalija the best. Other fans eventually start getting involved. They start cursing at Swane. They tell him to check into a psychiatric hospital. They call him an idiot. He ignores everything and keeps his eye on the prize. An anonymous fan then makes an appeal to the webmaster:

Datum: Sat Jan 11 11:43:34 2003 NaÅ¡li ste nas: Redni obiskovalec(ka)! Napisali ste…
UREDNIKU STRANI! -V primeru neokusnih vpisov si pridrzujemo pravico do zavrnitve vpisa v knjigo gostov! IN TO NAJ BI VELJALO?K STE GOSPOD UREDNIK KDAJ MOGOÄŒE PREBRALI KAÅ NE ”BOLNE” PIÅ E ”ZVESTI FAN” MARK SWANE…ÈE TO NI NEOKUSNO POTEM PA RES NE VEM KAJ JE?!?SE OPRAVIÄŒUJEM!AMPAK KO JAZ PREBIRAM KNJIGO GOSTOV SE MI OB NJEGOVEM VPISU ŽELODEC OBRAÄŒA…HUDO!! (Webmaster! In the rules it says that you reserve the right to delete offensive posts. Is this ever enforced? Did you, Mr. Webmaster, ever read the “sick” writings of “faithful fan” Mark Swane… If this is not offensive, I don’t know what is!? All apologies, but reading his stuff in the guestbook makes my stomach turn… awful!!)

There’s a long silence after this. I’m not sure if the webmaster got involved at this point and started plucking out Swane’s love poems, but after a month or two he either gave up or got sloppy, because Swane returns with a vengeance:

Datum: Sat Mar 8 10:24:16 2003 NaÅ¡li ste nas: Redni obiskovalec(ka)! Napisali ste…
Natalija my Love! I have been here for you now for a very long time, and I just cant wait to meet you in person. I am so in Love with you its no ones business but yours, if you would be so kind to reply me once again and tell me that you want to meet, then I will do anything to be near you. I would tell you how much I adore you my true love, all the love in this world for you and our future.Mark!

What does “I will do anything to be near you” include? The possibilities are pretty limitless, aren’t they? And the bit about “our future” is pretty intense, too. You have to admire his unshaking commitment.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how this story ends. The last (intact) entry by Swane is this:

Datum: Fri Nov 28 12:22:10 2003 NaÅ¡li ste nas: Redni obiskovalec(ka)! Napisali ste…
NATALIJA SWEETHEART! I HOPE THAT YOU WILL SEE THAT IM STILL A VERY BIG FAN OF YOU! IVE BEEN LOOKING AT YOUR LATEST PICS AND I WISH THAT I COULD MEET YOU SOON. PLEASE TELL ME WHERE WE CAN MEET WHEN I COME TO SLOVENIA FOR CHRISTMAS YOUR TRUE LOVER, MARK

And the rest is silence.